I do believe a flying monkey could be considered an upgrade to a regular monkey.

Good? Bad? I’m the guy with Photoshop.

Hahaha, ok guys, who’s the one who photoshopped Palin onto this chick’s body? … Who was it? … Anyone? … Wait, What?

If you still need a reason: About Sarah Palin: A Letter From Anne Kilkenny

I don’t need to tell you about what Britney Spears is up to, you already know, even if you didn’t want to know in the first place. She’s a common news item nowadays, a topic to bring up at the water cooler, and sadly, it’s not about her career that everyone keeps buzzin’ about, it’s about her lack of control in everything.

But I do want to share with you what it’s like to be near, around, and possibly even be Britney Spears (you’ll see what I mean by that). What I’ve realized may help explain why it’s hard for Britney to actually get her act together already and not be a complete fuck up. (Note: since this event occurred, Britney has gotten into another car accident and lost custody of her two children.) Here’s a video of the event:

I was pulling into the parking lot of a Target store, getting my mind ready to optimize my errand shopping. Suddenly, someone jumps in front of my car. I slam on my brakes, a young Filipino man holding a camera, not missing a beat, continues running towards Target as if his life depended on it. I watch curiously, thinking for a moment that some kind of hostage situation may be happening at the store. A wave of fear fills me for a moment, but as I don’t see any other sign of abnormality, I continue on my way, park my car, and walk to the store. As I near the entrance, I notice cars left with their doors open and the engines still running right in front of the entrance area. People are standing around in states of confusion, wandering around and whispering.

Someone leaving the store proudly proclaims,”Britney Spears is in the store.” I continue walking into the crowded entrance, and I am bombarded by the flash and clamor of 50-75 photographers snapping their cameras from every direction possible, yelling vehemently for Britney to look their way. The crowd of yells and clicking cameras was quickly being rushed out of the store by security and managers. As I continued into the store to get on with my shopping, I passed by people in an enthusiastic daze having just seen Britney Spears walk by them, yelling out, “OH MY GOD, THAT WAS BRITNEY, SHE’S SO SKINNY!!!” That’s when I saw her, she was trying to purchase some CD or DVD in the entertainment section, surrounded by a very unenthusiastic bored-looking entourage, not a single one identifiable as a close friend. As I passed by, a very vocal middle aged black woman loudly encouraged others to “leave that poor girl alone because she’s been through enough!”

I then continued my shopping, paid for my purchases and left the store filled with people still abuzz with the fact that a huge celebrity just graced everyone with her presence. Of course there’s the obvious things of note: “Why is Britney Spears at a Target?” or “Why is she behind the wheel so much when she’s so prone to accidents?” But beyond that, there’s the effect that Britney Spears’ presence, or the presence of any celebrity of her stature, has on everyone around them. There’s a change of atmosphere that’s electric and tangibly charged where ever she goes. Her mere presence stops everyone in their tracks, and suddenly all attention/conversation/eyeballs/flashing light bulbs are on her. If you’re just a bystander, it’s like having witnessed a natural disaster and having survived to tell about it. As much as I don’t care about what Britney Spears is up to, I found myself swept up in all the commotion, not because I really care about Britney Spears, but because there is literally an atmosphere change that happens if you walk within a certain radius of this girl. Britney Spears + crowd = contagious excitement.

This is all fine and dandy for the commoners and bystanders who get to catch a close-up glimpse of this “celeb” and add a little excitement in their otherwise mundane lives. But I can only imagine what incomprehensible confusion is happening to the woman herself. Is she causing this atmosphere change? Or is it everyone else around her? She’s followed literally day and night by paparazzi yelling for her to look their way, vying for her attention, telling her she’s beautiful, demanding she return attention to them, asking about her children, clothes, hair, ex-husband, shoes, earrings, weight, diet, what she’s going out for and where she’s going, who she’s meeting there, who her companions are, and what her opinion on current events are. Sure, she uses the attention here and there to fulfill some fantasy or narcissism, but 95% of the time, it’s just a confusing blur of annoying useless shit happening whether she wants it or not. Imagine one sweaty Filipino guy obsessed with every facet of your life, now imagine every loser asshole you’ve ever met constantly talking to you when you’re outside. Your opinion of people, men, and yourself and your identity would be markedly altered for the worse. But of course, we keep checking in on where she’s at, so that the media can’t help but stalk her everywhere she goes.

After my encounter with this radius of Britney, I’m not too surprised that she gets caught doing so many ridiculous things. It’s not easy to be on your guard at every moment of your life and never have a moment to get away from that. In fact, the constant flurry of attention would get to your nerves and you’d end up making more mistakes. Sure, there are things that Britney could do to get out of the constant media limelight, but my guess is that she’s become accustomed and addicted to the attention she gets every time she leaves her house.

I’m not sympathizing with Britney’s predicament or any big celebs caught in the media’s close attention, but I can somewhat empathize.

I kept seeing the image of Che Guevara on posters and stickers, people seem to be using it more as a stylized counter-culture bullshit rather than as a political statement supporting the passion of guerrilla rebellion. Then I saw a picture of Che’s face replaced with an ape from Planet of the Apes, and struggled to understand what the hell it was trying to say. (FYI: “gorilla” fighter, omfglulz).

I’m tired of seeing impotent political art.  Oh boy, President Bush as one of the Three Stooges?  Good call, too bad it’s the artistic equivalent of calling someone a dumdum.  Nowadays, political art and satire involves way too much intellectual analysis for what boils down to ill-conceived risk-averse ideas.  The administration is “bad,” the war in Iraq is “bad,” this or that person is “dumb.” Are you god damn kidding me?  Art is about engaging and challenging popular opinion, not spouting the second-most-popular opinion.

Essentially, American modern political art is dead, at the time when it should be the most vocal, crushed by a few years of overwhelming nationalist fervor in the states, and general apathy and idiocy among artists. Well, times are changing, and for those of you looking for ways to bring it back, here you go. More to come.

Whether you call them a terrorist organization or not, Al-Qaeda sees itself and will continue to see itself as a freedom fighting organization, fighting for the creation of a Nation of Islam against the democratic political machine of the United States, in which all citizens have power and are indirect political leaders, and therefore are open targets as key political figures in a battlefield.  They believe the US has continually invaded the borders of the Nation of Islam and encroached upon its peace and sovereignty, tainting and disrespecting its sacredness, killing its leaders and innocents.

This is a new world.

The world just shit its pants.

Check out the trailer here. This trailer is two and a half minutes long, the longest possible under MPAA regulation. In fact, what makes this trailer and the potential movie in general so fucking kick ass is that it’s balls-to-the-wall confident about the direction it’s taking. They skipped the teaser, probably because they know Iron Man is so easy to fuck up royally, there was a lot of skepticism running abound from nay-sayers, and ultimately no one would give a shit about a teaser unless they see Iron Man in action up close.

This film just secured $900 trillion in box office its first minute of release. Here’s a graph to prove it:

I don’t really know too much about Iron Man, I’ve read a few comics and watched the cartoon on television (wikipedia link). It wasn’t my favorite cartoon, but I watched it and thought it was cool enough for a rich guy to have a cool robotic suit. So given that background, I wasn’t really expecting Iron Man to be on my must-see list of movies for the upcoming year. However, when I heard that Jon Favreau was directing it, I put it on my radar to keep tabs on it.

Who’s Jon Favreau? You probably know him from his acting career, notably in Swingers, Rudy and The Break-Up. He’s your average actor who does some cool movies now and then, but not a big enough name to really headline a movie on his own. However, as a director, that’s where his career has truly been shining. Sure, he doesn’t have much to his credits yet: Elf and Zathura being his biggest blockbusters so far. I saw Elf on cable a few months ago, it was a decent holiday movie with Will Ferrell in it. Nothing bad, and nothing truly great.

ZATHURA

However, it was from watching Zathura that really changed my mind about this guy. I went in not knowing what the movie was really about, except for the fact that it was the sequel to Jumanji. The marketing and timing for Zathura was definitely not great, in fact, in great part because the studio didn’t really know what they had, the movie bombed at the box office. However, step into the theaters on opening weekend, and you saw a different story. Kids were jumping in their seats and talking excitedly afterwards about their favorite parts of the film and the fictional game. Unfortunately, the only people who remember what the hell Jumanji was, are people my age (in college or just starting their career in the workforce) who had seen Jumanji when we were in elementary or middle school. Most of us didn’t have kids who were old enough to take and see Zathura, so the “built-in” audience wasn’t being reached.

The trailer for the movie advertised it purely as a kid movie, a sci-fi version of Jumanji starring two kids. And since what I most remembered from Jumanji was that Robin Williams was in it, it didn’t help that it had no names starring in Zathura. And on top of that, despite starting with a chic “Z” the movie’s name was forgettable. You’d say “Do you want to see Zathura?” and people would squint and say “What the fuck is Zurethra, some Korean movie?” I was very unexpectedly blown away by the movie. It’s not your typical kiddie movie, the kids actually act like real kids, they call each other names that you don’t expect to hear from little kids, etc. It’s not watered down bullshit like most kids movies. And the movie has some relatively mature themes that you wouldn’t expect, much like the classic children’s films of yesteryear. The movie also has a robot that oddly looks a little like Iron Man, perhaps Favreau’s way of putting his hand out to helm the superhero flick.

If you haven’t seen Zathura yet, I’d recommend it for you and any adventure-film lovers, it’ll probably make you want to see Iron Man even more, because all the wit, enjoyment, action, and thrills that’d you hope for are all there. I have admiration for filmmakers who respect the films they work on, enjoy the films they work on, and Favreau does just that.

GREAT TEAM

I had a close friend who worked on the film, and everything they said about it seemed too good to be true, how so many of the effects were amazing and done practically on-set. How masterfully the cinematographer controlled the look and the set (the DP is Matthew Libatique, who’s previously worked on the spectacularly-photographed The Fountain and Requiem for a Dream) and how full of enjoyment and kindness Favreau was constantly, riding around on his scooter.

If Favreau can make a kiddie movie so very awesome, then think what he can do when he’s armed with Robert Downey, Jr. and a huge robot suit that actually has glowing eyes! (Why didn’t they think to do that with the Batman suits?) Batman and just about any superhero who lurks in dark areas have glowing eyes in cartoons and comics, why is Favreau the first guy to realize this awesomeness on the big screen? For that achievement in itself, Favreau has me convinced he’s gonna come out a super-director from this film. There’s probably going to be sequels to Iron Man, not to mention what other awesome movies that the studios will be offering him next. Hell, maybe the movie studios will actually grow some balls when it comes to their superhero movies being more straight up badass. Bravo, Favreau, thank you. And double bravo for making sure Iron Man is superbly awesome, complete with jetpacks coming out of his palms to make him go even faster in the air and break the sound barrier.

Panties everywhere are in need of a dry replacement.

Osama Bin Laden’s comeback tape. (watch it here) (the above is an artist’s rendition)

Mere days after being released everywhere at once, almost the entire world had watched it. That’s right, in a year where movie studios spent near-billions of cash in marketing their giant robot, giant hero, or giant loser movies, the number one movie of the year was created for less than $20 and shot in some shithole in Pakistan. The star foolishly appeared without taking any profit points, and the cinematography was drab and uninspired.

BUT WHO CARES!!! OSAMA BIN LADEN!!!!!! In case you’re wondering who that is, the above visual made by yours truly pretty much sums it up.

IF YOU CAN’T BEAT EM, JOIN EM

Studio moguls everywhere are throwing scripts at their assistants everywhere and screaming with cigars in their mouths demanding to know how they too can get it on this Osama craze everywhere. Osama’s in Pakistan, which makes taking him to lunch at The Ivy difficult, so talent agents everywhere are chartering flights to Islamabad and encountering numerous hijinks that will later be outlined in wry but moderately successful eighties comedies. Meanwhile, producers are hammering out terrorist-themed concepts.

“The terrorist leader, see, that’s the ticket,” one particularly tweed-garbed producer yells out to his bespectacled yet-comely secretary/assistant/BJ-giver who quickly jots down these nuggets of pure entertainment gold down. The producer stops in his tracks and spins around pointing into the air, “But why stop there, the real hot stuff is in the reality of terror, the audience needs to feel the bombs dropping right into their popcorn!”

Cut to the same producer, gesticulating wildly in a large conference room while rotund studio board members sit around the large table, arms crossed. The producer jumps onto the table before freezing with a big finish and panting in exhaustion, the senior vice president of internal finance control drops his monocle into his tonic water. The aforementioned studio mogul, chewing at a gigantic puffing cigar, turns in his chair and kicks his feet up while screaming “YOU ARE GOD DAMN OUT OF YOUR GOD DAMN MIND GIVING ME THAT GOD DAMN SHIT AND I GOD DAMN LOVED EVERY GOD DAMN MINUTE OF IT, GOD DAMN PURE GOLD!” He takes the cigar out of his mouth and pats the producer on the back.

Opening night, the audience hushes into the theater and the orchestra begins the overture before the movie begins. Suddenly, a man stands and screams before the theater explodes in a fiery blaze. Headlines read “TERRORISTS STRIKE AT MOVIE PREMIERE!” Every god damn showing sells out for thirty weeks, being a victim of terrorism becomes the new hip fad. Headlines read “MOVIE DOESN’T BOMB, INSTEAD BOMBS!” The movie studio uses the profits to think up new and more exciting acts of terrorism with sequels. The producer, now draped in arab silk, spins around with a phone headset on, pacing back and forth making deals:

“I’m telling you Tom, acting is so last millenium, Oscars are all talk, dirty-bombs in the cargo space of a U-Haul are where it’s all headed. Will’s already on board to drive, you can hold the detonator. The people love the guy who holds the detonator, it’s the chance of a lifetime.”

Being listed on the FBI and CIA’s most wanted lists becomes a status symbol in Hollywood. “If you don’t understand terror, you don’t understand the audience!”

Finally, Osama Comes out of Hiding

Nobody remembers who he is, the FBI is too busy chasing down Peter Jackson’s gigantic mile-tall deathbot in Chicago. Only kiss-ass entertainment and fashion gurus, led by Steven Cojocaru, notice him on the red carpet. Everyone else just gets autographs for their moms.

What the fuck happened to music? Out of all the music that played on this show, one or two were even coherently listenable. Sure, some were “catchy,” such as the “Umbrella” song that won both the first and last awards given. Let me explain something. “Catchy” is not fucking good enough to be winning awards. There was a time in music where people would hear a song, and run out to buy it, where actual excitement and interest was involved instead of music just being some new shit that you play in the background while friends were over. Good music used to exist. Hell, even the boy band bullshit of yesteryear was good compared to this recycled half-baked shit nowadays. Even Linkin Park, a band that epitomizes recycled impotent bullshit, seemed embarrassed to be associated with the artists performing and winning these awards.

I know what you’re thinking “MTV sucks, and always will, what’s new.” That’s the trouble, I’m not talking about MTV, I’m talking about this year’s music in general. MTV has been doing what it’s always done, picked out the most popular stuff and pumped it out hard and fast. The funny thing is, now even MTV seems like it’s lowering itself to promote these artists they’re churning out. I feel sorry for MTV, because they’re at the whim of the artists, and if the artist churn out shit, then MTV’s got to push it, no matter how much it pains them to do so. Here’s an example, MTV gave the headline performance to a singer who is best known for her shaven genitalia, and MTV’s alternative was to give that stage time to hack dipshit Kanye West.

Kanye West wishing he were a more respected artist (he was vocal about Britney Spears taking the coveted opening show spot) is the biggest bullshit I’ve ever heard. Not since fucking horrible early Puff Daddy has there been a single artist that has taken such a proverbial shit on past musical hits. Kanye’s “hit” this year consisted of him remixing the Daft Punk song “Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger” and in true modern-day hip-hop style, which consists of adding redundant ridiculous lyrics such as “stronger, yih, yih, whatevah don’t kill me, yih, yih” (you can watch his horrible video here). Kanye, you’re one out of about ten people who even show up on MTV nowadays, and you don’t deserve to be, just take what you can get and shut up. For somebody that’s supposed to be a “word-smith” with flow and rap and shit, such eloquently-designed phrases such as “George Bush just doesn’t like black people,” are more indicative of somebody who can barely wipe their own ass. Imagine Kanye West winning at a game of chess. You can’t, it’s fucking impossible, you just picture him sitting their with sunglasses rubbing his hands for hours in contemplation while his jaw hangs open in inadvertent stupidity.

Justin Timberlake. How the fuck did Justin Timberlake become the most successful god damn musical artist? Imagine transporting yourself five years into the past and telling everyone that the skinny white kid from that one boyband is going to become the biggest music celebrity in 2007. Everyone would laugh, they’d call you a faggot. Well nothing’s changed, so what the fuck happened? The only reason he’s at the top is because he makes his music, which is slightly above average, and shuts the fuck up. He knows he’s only mediocre, but lucky for him, that’s all that it takes nowadays. I’m absolutely positive that after schmoozing with stars, peers and groupies, Justin Timberlake walks into the bathroom alone and let’s out a big sigh of relief that nobody out there knows what the fuck they’re doing. He thanks fucking God that he’s been given the opportunity he has, at the time he has, where even his mediocre skills can put him at the top of the heap.

Foo Fighters. The Foo Fighters are not a bad band, but since when have the fucking Foo Fighters, a band that has always been synonymous with slightly moderate success, been the anchor performance of an awards show? They’ve been around for over a decade: this is not a major achievement in this day and age, but apparently it makes them music royalty in a year where everyone is god damn mediocre and disappears after two weeks.

Britney Spears (I refuse to call her by her overtly chic duo-syllabic “Britney” that people seem to be using now.) Oops, she couldn’t do it again. (Watch “Britney’s” performance at the 2007 VMA) This performance was meant to be a triumphant return into the stage’s spotlight. Even those of us who don’t care for Britney Spears were interested, somewhat, to see exactly how fucked up this lady actually got. There are exactly three words that describe Britney Spears’ performance.

Deer in headlights.

For the first time in recent memory, and possibly ever, we seem to have seen a once top-of-the-line professional performer suffering from stage fright. Notice how her arms seem to wobble uselessly at her sides, notice how her legs are always together and facing straight forward, and most disturbingly, notice how she never bends at the waist. Has she put on some weight, does she feel bad about it? It wouldn’t be so bad if she seemed to know what the fuck she was doing. She seems consistently offbeat, subconsciously mouthing pieces of the lyrics, being guided to and fro across the stage by much more graceful and poised dancers. Ten seconds in, you wonder why she isn’t dancing, why she just seems to be floating around. Then when it’s almost over, you realize that this was it, she’s apparently not dancing. She’s also apparently not singing, as she seems to forget to lip sync about 90% of the song.

It wasn’t disco, it wasn’t shock-rock, it wasn’t impotent alternative rock, it wasn’t gangsta crap, it wasn’t even ridiculous boy band reincarnations, it was the year when all of us with our busy lives passed by the music industry, peaked inside, and said “Is this it?” En masse, we all turned away from their offerings, busy checking our myspace profiles, milling around on facebook, researching for a new phone, checking the news to find out what new atrocity is occurring in the political world, going to some movies, reading celebrity gossip. Then we got a faceful of Ms. Spears’ failed comeback.  It was disinterest. It was quiet, unheated, gradual, general disinterest that killed the beast. Music has hit rock bottom.

What the hell do you do at this point? Some part of me wants to rip into the movie and analyze it down to a nub of its former self, ultimately the purpose of which is to make the other person cry. Some part of me wants to surrender in favor of camaraderie, backpedaling “sucked” into “I have loose opinions against specific elements.” Of course, me being the chick magnet with asshole-to-nice-guy ratio of 60% nice, 40% asshole, often go with some sort of in between route. The movie still sucked, but there were scenes that were “entertaining.” I use the old standby: “That one character/scene was funny/awesome.” Even the shittiest of movies have something entertaining (ok, maybe not the shittiest, watch some direct-to-dvd independent films, mmbleh).

Often, I feel pretty good about my ability to sidestep social awkwardness, allowing for a generous dosing of compassion for people I’ve just met. In the situation described above, there’s of course the point at which the other person describes what they liked about the movie, maybe even acting out some part. But then a funny thing happens, often the person stops talking about the movie, but still thinks they are. I mean this as in they’re talking about themselves and other related things, but they think they’re talking about the movie.

Let me explain. Fandom (as bastardized from fanaticism) can loosely be described as an intense yearning to experience and re-experience a specific performance/art because of its quality.

However, this isn’t the type of enjoyment many people talk about when describing what they liked about a movie. Often, people enjoy movies/books/whatever because of familiarity masturbation. It’s starkly different from being a fan of the work. Familiarity masturbation arises when you say you like something simply because it’s familiar, or it espouses an idea/style similar to something you’re more familiar with.

For example, many people talk exclusively about comic book movies using terms of familiarity masturbation. They’re more interested in the work being something similar to what they already know and like than in actually being good. This is fine when what they’re familiar with and what’s “good” are the same thing, but it’s an abomination when they differ.

The problem stems from the fact that people enjoy things (like comic books) for a whole load of reasons, most of which are based in unreasonable subconscious balancing, projections of their own inadequacies. This is fine. But when that book/play/comic they like is adapted into a new piece of work, they judge that new work based on context-removed elements that are of little or no value, but which the fan identifies with as “quality.”

Here’s an example. Batman Begins is judged against “Dark Knight Returns”. Because it resembles it in many surface way, such as the car, the “dark look,” the brooding character, it is therefore judged as good. A lot of retorts in defense of Batman Begins involve a belief that only a true understanding of “Dark Knight Returns” and other arbitrarily chosen uber-canon allow for a legitimate opinion of the film. Notice how many “fans” of Batman Begins cling onto its connection to previous canon as if they were absolute indicators of its quality.

The problem is, these people aren’t enjoying the film. They walk out and go “That film was great.” But they’re not really even paying attention to the film itself. Instead, they’re enjoying the thrill of being able to say “That’s familiar, that’s what I like,” or “I knew that before it even showed up on screen,” or “Now everyone will get it right, this is the true depiction,” This isn’t enjoying the film, this is masturbating over how familiar something is.

“But shouldn’t people be allowed to judge a film based on their connection to it?” That’s not what I’m talking about. In fact, familiarity masturbation is the exact opposite of personal connection to a film, it’s connection by proxy, filtered through an idolized external medium, then reappropriated as personal preference. It has nothing to do with personal connection, in fact it’s a rejection of the value of personal preference.

Why do people do this?

I think people do this because they feel compelled to create objective rulers of quality and judgement. When watching a Superman movie, they compare it against prior versions of Superman they’ve encountered and are familiar with. When it differs, that’s “bad,” when it’s similar, that’s “good.” This is a lot easier than coming up with more ethereal personal subjective reasons as to why something is good or not. It’s more difficult to say “The story was strong, tight, and compelling for these reasons…” than it is to say “It was exactly like the book, let’s go jack each other off!!!!”

In short, people do it because they’re scared. Scared of creating an opinion they’d have to explain. Oftentimes, I’ll explain the subtle intricacies of how a story worked or didn’t, and somebody will answer with “Yeah, but why?” After some prodding, I realize what they’re really asking is for me to reference some previous comparable piece of work. They’re trying to enforce familiarity masturbation as the only legitimate ruler of quality.

Well it’s not. Putting your opinion out there based on what you understand to be compelling or not in your gut is scary, but it’s very powerful. It defines you as a unique person, who takes chances, is brave and noble. When you enjoy something and give your opinion, your heart soars, you feel lifted, as if the world has become a better place to live in. When you don’t enjoy something and want to give your opinion, you think hard about what could have been changed, you do mental gymnastics to figure it out, learning all the way, becoming invested in making the story/movie/book/song/whatever better.

But when all you do is express familiarity masturbation, the world is an enclosed place, whether you enjoyed the thing you’re talking about or not. Possibilities are built on top of precedence, unknowns are scary, and since most of the world is unknown, you’re scared most of the time.

In defense against the world, many of these people hoard their structures of “objective authority,” becoming familiar with every facet of a character or franchise, in an attempt to create order out of the chaos so that when asked, they have rulers by which to speak authoritatively. We all know them, uber-nerds who can speak Klingon, know the name of every Pokemon, or can recite the yellow scrolling text of all the Star Wars movies word by word. There’s communities of these people in which there’s epic struggles to determine which things are authoritative over others. If Star Wars Episode 2 novelization refers to a Z-95 as having ion cannons, but Star Wars Incredible Cross-sections says Z-95s have laser canons only, WHO DO WE TRUST AND IF WE TRUST ONLY ONE WHAT ELSE FALLS INTO QUESTION AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH?!!?!?

I know, I used to judge about 98% of the world using familiarity masturbation. However, that was when I was 16, I’ve since moved on. But many my age and even older haven’t. With objective authorities to judge the world against: “Kevin Smith liked it so I have to too, but if I don’t what’s wrong with me, AHHHHH!!?!?!??!” many people are inclined to live their lives through proxy, never really having opinions of their own, but being compelled constantly by a celebrity interview, comic book release, movie release, video game release, book release, or heated internet debate as the only igniter to change their view of the world.

Of course, this is no new theory of the world. It’s a type of sheep mentality, but it’s extremely unique in one way: People who use familiarity masturbation to talk about work they enjoyed or not will always enjoy most things. Have you noticed that no matter how shitty a piece of shit movie is, there’s always somebody somewhere who speaks favorably of it, how it’s a true or better depiction of this or that thing. Have you noticed that often the newest edition of a movie is referred to by people as being “the best yet!”

This is a property of familiarity masturbation, the toleration of shittiness. After all, if the movie referred to specific familiar things, how could it be shitty? That’d mean those things were shitty too, doesn’t it, and how can Batman Begins be shitty if the car in it is cool??!?!?! That’d mean “Dark Knight Returns” is shitty and that’s IMPOSSIBLE!!!!!

We encounter arguments like this all the time when we’re trudging through the wilds of the internet, but perhaps it’s a good lesson. Don’t identify yourself so much with specific works, or else you end up sounding and being crazy. Don’t idolize a specific movie/book/character/whatever as being pure unmitigated goodness, or else you end up sounding and being crazy. Instead, just chill out, pay attention to the world around you, take small steps of bravery and let your opinion loose. Take chances, you enjoy work that takes chances, so go out and do the same and people will be inspired to follow.

1. High contrast dark lighting all the time. The “Batman Animated Series” got it right when it actually drew Batman to look badass all the time, and said “Fuck you” to lighting-appropriate looks. He looks contrasty badass all the time and the hell to logical lighting. His eyes glow, he’s got one rimlight on him, always. Batman’s look and lighting should be computer-assisted to look superhumanly badass whenever practical lighting isn’t possible for that end. I want silhouettes, moody rimlights, slashes of light betraying subtle details of the costume here and there, basically everything that makes Batman awesome.Light the shit to make it look awesome, how hard is it? Not at all. Two simple steps. 1. Imagine how it would be if it were awesome. 2. Light it to be the way you’re imagining it. You even get a bonus stage in post where you can tweak the lighting, there’s no damn excuse.

2. The costume needs to change, even unreasonably, if it’ll make it more badass looking. The cape breaks into parts and stays in one piece or is rigid or flowy whenever it needs to look more badass. It should appear to be one giant cloak most of the time, seamless with the mask/cowl and connected in front to create a look similar to the Emperor’s Royal Guards in Star Wars, but become like a giant wing flowing in the wind the next second, and a heavy leathery shield the next second. The mask should be shrouded in darkness nearly all the time, and somebody PLEASE realize that Batman has glowing eyes. I don’t care what you have to do to make him have bright eyes all the time, but just god damn do it! He’s got bright eyes, maybe he’s got goggles in the mask like Spider-man and they’re emitting or just reflecting light, or maybe the whites of his eyes need to be popped out in post, but his eyes HAVE TO BE the focal point on the face, not his gigantic jaw. Nobody’s interested in Christian Bale’s perfectly red cherry lips and creamy skin.

3. Follow Batman everywhere and watch him do everything that’s cool. If I’m wondering, “Huh, how did he do that?” it means I should KNOW how he did that. Batman movies kind of gloss over how Batman does his little tricks. For example, how the fuck does Batman disappear when people are talking to him? It’s not interesting that it’s mystery, I’m not going “Damn, it’s a mystery, how cool.” No, in fact, I discount it, because it’s just a stupid movie trick that isn’t necessary. However, if you actually saw it happen, and you go “Ohh, that’s how he does it, ” then you’d feel like you were involved in a movie instead of just sitting there watching one. As mentioned before, we should be up with Batman doing his “moving through the shadows” trick whenever he’s stalking a bunch of hoodlums in a warehouse. I don’t want to watch a Batman movie and go “Wow, Batman is so cool, I wish I were Batman.” I want to go to a Batman movie and go “I was just Batman for two hours, and now my mind has been expanded and I love my life.”

4. In Batman Begins, the goal of the hero is to “Keep Gotham from tearing itself apart.” Who gives a shit? I care about Batman, and what he’s going through and him looking and being badass. Nobody really gives a shit about Gotham as separate from Batman. The solution in cinema is often to focus more on the story, and the solution for Batman is the same, except in very specific ways. Batman needs to choose between saving things dear to him (thusly serving himself and his ego) and saving something greater than him. The idea that Batman will save everything isn’t accurate to his character, because he always bites off more than he can chew, that’s why he’s so pissed off all the time. The drama of Batman is that he’ll ultimately choose to save the things greater than him, sacrificing his own happiness and quietly biting his lip about how that’s fucked up. It’s dramatic because even though he wants to save his parents, he’s choosing not to save them over and over again, instead choosing to stop super villains of sorts and sacrifice his own wants and desires.

5. God damn it, use slow motion. Batman filmmakers get all shaky when it comes to making badass stylistic choices. Slow motion is a very compelling tool that a Batman filmmaker can use to create a badass look to Batman when it’s too expensive to light him correctly. Just have Batman walk towards the screen or jump off something in super slowmo, and it’ll look more awesome than one thousand Christian Bales hanging upside down.

6. Let Batman get beat to shit. For some reason, very few Batman movies want to commit to a “battle-worn” costume for Batman. One of the main problems with Batman Begins is Batman is too superhuman and Bruce Wayne is too much of a regular guy. So much for being realistic, Nolan failed horribly on this count. Batman doesn’t get one single scrape on him, despite theoretically battling every single Arkham Asylum fugitive and the very guy that trained him. This is what we call “Matrix Reloaded syndrome” where the hero has an impervious armor around them created by writers masturbating over how badass the hero they’ve created is. The final showdown on the elevated train is laughable, with cutaways to 47 side characters giving me redundant useless information while Batman has a fight with a guy who can’t really kill him and who he doesn’t really want to kill, so it ends up being a pseudo-wrestling match where one character basically has to get from point A to B to C.

7. Cut the fucking camp, damn. All the Batman movies have this campy undertone to them, you’d think the comic books have people cracking jokes and saying clever wry comments every other fucking bubble. Whenever a Batman comic I’ve read has overt humor, it’s only to juxtapose with the intense drama that’s happening. Having a cop do the “I’m clueless cop until the hero unexpectedly zooms by my car” worked great when they did it in The Fifth Element, but how many fucking times can people be “humorously amused” by the Batmobile? According to Christopher Nolan, it’s never enough, maybe because he’s relishing the only element of the film that closely resembles the uber-canon “Dark Knight Returns.” Good for him, too bad he ruins it by shoving it in our faces whenever the car shows up by having all the actors basically drop their monocles in their martini glasses.

8. Make a Batman fight sequence where I can tell what’s happening, please. I’m not talking about the fight on the ice lake, that doesn’t count ’cause there’s no Batman. I’m talking about a straight shot, no frills scene with Batman fighting somebody who he wants to open a can of whoopass on, and who can match him. The closest thing to this is Batman beating the shit out of the Joker and his goons at the top of the cathedral in the Tim Burton Batman. Most of the action sequences in Batman Begins involve the camera sitting there in a medium shot while a bunch of blurry shit happens. What the fuck happened to fight sequences? I thought The Matrix educated the entire world on how to go about this shit, but apparently not. I’ve heard that the fight sequences might have been influenced by Bladerunner, which is unfortunate, because the fight sequences in Bladerunner should only be your target if you’ve somehow gotten hold of the Delorian Time Machine and are making a movie in 1985.

What I’m talking about is a fight sequence that doesn’t make you think, “Ooh, Batman is cool/mysterious, I can’t wait until the next plot point,” but that makes you think, “Shit, Batman can kick some fucking ass and make it look badass, with or without the element of surprise.” Instead, in Batman Begins we get some horror-inspired scenes, which would be better if the goons didn’t vocalize their inner turmoil so much, then some blurry medium shots of Batman fighting badass Shadow League guys before flying ridiculously beneath a speeding train on a cable that inexplicably passes through cement pillars.

9. Allow Batman to be flexible, not a walking Gargoyle. The main reason Batman can’t be as badass as he should be in the movies is because they’ve got him suited up in a fucking ridiculous armor thing. People say “What did you expect, yellow spandex? OMFGROFL.” No, I expected Batman to be able to fucking FIGHT and move instead of putting his arms up to block where the stunt people are punching and kicking, and then miraculously placing one inexplicably powerful punch to the goon’s face. Some people say “Yeah, but tights and lighter material can’t stop bullets.” Yeah, neither can armor on your bicep, sorry. The idea that Batman has to have bullet proof armor on every point of his body is stupid. Batman has armor on his chest, which explains the thick bat symbol and the thick pectoral-padding on it, and I’m sure his helmet has lightweight whatever on it, but that’s about it. The point is, it’s absolutely unnecessary for Batman to be unnecessarily armored to the point where it’s changing his entire character dynamic. That’s not a tradeoff, that’s having Greedo shoot first.

Here’s where a bunch of people would also put some stuff about how some villain needs to be in the Batman movies, or how they need to bring in Robin, or bring in this guy or use that gadget. Fuck that shit. The only real complaint anyone can reasonably have is that Mr. Freeze needs to be redeemed, because his portrayal in the previous Batman movie was so god-awful, it’s like they took a dump on the entire series and made everyone hate everything about Batman. He doesn’t even ride a frozen fire hydrant to the top of a building!! What’s the fucking point of having Mr. Freeze if he can’t ride gigantic streams of water while freezing them?

Batman is awesome, Batman looks badass all the time. Movies about him should reflect that and stop being wishy washy bullshit.

Who is Batman?

There seems to be misconception that Batman has no superpowers. I know what you’re thinking, “He doesn’t.” Actually, he does. Batman’s superpower is to look really really badass all the time. All the money, all the angsty whatever bullshit, all the martial arts training, gadgets, detective-ness, and costume have one purpose, and that is to give a plausible reason to why Batman can look so badass all the time. But the truth is, even if you had all those things, you still wouldn’t look that badass, which can only mean that Batman has been endowed with a character superhuman-ness to look badass all the time. That is his superpower.

Batman has the only superpower that is perfectly suited to the visual medium of comic books and cinema, he can look as badass as we can imagine. And yet, the film Batman Begins, despite the hundreds of millions of dollars poured into it, got it wrong. It didn’t capture the essence of what we all enjoy about Batman, that he’s badass and looks badass and can look badass at the most opportune moments. The only reason he’s even a detective in the first place is so that he can show up somewhere and look badass while fighting, otherwise he’d just constantly be sitting on the tops of buildings being emo.

How do you look badass in cinema?

Batman’s main form of looking badass is looking scary, closely followed by looking like a mad human demon. The easiest way to get both of these effects is to NOT show everyone every fucking crevice and detail on the suit and face all the time. Batman is the monster that’s stalking Bruce Wayne, and you need to keep the monster mysterious for most of the movie, this allows the audience to fill in all the implied badassness with really awesome badassness that only they can conjure.

Important Thing #1: Hide the betraying details, make the motion and imagery more abstract. The audience could even fear Batman, and they should, he’s the dark avenger about to get medieval on their asses without due process.

Important Thing #2: Batman is the Monster.

Batman is Bruce Wayne’s nemesis. When a super villain shows up, the danger isn’t that the villain will poison Gotham or make giant robots or whatever, the danger is that Batman will fucking murder that villain and rip his body in half while drinking his blood and smiling darkly with glowing demon eyes that are no longer human. Of course this shouldn’t actually happen, that’d make the story pretty boring, but the point it is not happening is why Bruce Wayne fights the demons inside him. This would be a gigantic conflict that Bruce Wayne would have to deal with, it’s the ultimate conflict, the “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde”-esque conflict where we have enemies and darkness inside us that pours out and destroys the world.

The great drama that we love is that Batman is slowly subtly winning this battle against Bruce Wayne, constantly. Every night, Bruce Wayne dons the suit of Batman hoping he can hang on to his humanity. It’s a demon Bruce conquered once, but it’s slowly taking ground, moving higher and higher into the center of Bruce Wayne/Batman’s motives and actions. Vengeance, but not only Vengeance, also Wrath, Hatred, Moral Apathy, and Sadism.

It’s these very things that Bruce Wayne strikes out at, manifested in his external villains, because he projects himself on those very villains and sees the monster that lives inside him in their actions. Self-loathing and self-hatred are the facets present in Bruce’s everyday struggle. In his decadent life of plenty, donning the cloak of the “dark knight” is the only thing that gives his life meaning. Every time he’s victorious against a villain, he feels he’s one step closer to being victorious against the the darkness inside him. It’s a vicious circle, for in order to escape, Bruce must perceive himself as conquering all darkness in the world. Even then, what price will he pay in doing so?

Many perceive Batman’s ultimate success as being able to put away the mask and cape, and living a happy life as Bruce Wayne. But the reality would be a sobering opposite. Vengeance and wrath, and all actions taken in their name lead only to more vengeance and wrath. Sure, Bruce Wayne may spend months or years feeling like he’d won, but ultimately Batman would sit quiet in his cave, waiting for the moment that darkness rises again, and if it doesn’t, he’ll sit forever alone in the darkness of that cave.

Important Thing #3: Batman is the Monster and we are privy to the Monster’s Perspective.

A lot of people might interpret “Batman is the Monster” to mean that the camera should treat the villains as the victims, looking up and into the shadows for Batman as those villains/victims would. WRONG.

One of the coolest parts of Batman is that he’s the monster and looks badass all the time, AND we can see what he’s doing all the time, allowing for a maximum efficiency of badass awesomeness on the screen. When it comes down to it, the only reason Batman can be treated like the hero in a story is because he’s active, actively doing any manner of stuff. So in order to get a sense of that, we need to SEE HIM DOING STUFF. When there’s a warehouse of guys shooting up at the moving shadows afraid of Batman, it’s a classic Batman movie moment, but it’s also FUCKING BORING. We need to see Batman’s perspective, looking down, moving quickly through the shadows, creating decoys and shit to throw them off, then coming down swooping in with cape open looking like a giant bat. Then, for the one half-second before he caves a guy’s sternum in, we see the villain/victim POV.

Why are Important Things #1, #2 and #3 important?

When Christian Bale walks around looking serious in the Batman costume, it is literally one step from being fucking ridiculous. That step is taken the first time he opens his mouth with that faux-deep-serious bullshit. I laughed, as did many people I was watching the film with. Batman Begins treated Batman as a person in a suit posing for the camera. And that’s what it looked like too. And for everything that people said about the Tim Burton Batman looking like faggy gay-muscle-suit bullshit, the same can be said about this Batman Begins suit, except now he also has a fucking gigantic nose that the cinematographer doesn’t know how to light and an even stiffer neck.

Well the solution isn’t to redo the costume, it’s to redo the entire fucking concept. Batman isn’t a super soldier with a cape, he’s not supposed to look realistic or even Alex-Ross-realistic, he’s a fantasy we have of a dark avenger. This idea of “I want to make Batman like he would actually be, plausible,” is fine and dandy, but don’t fuck with Batman’s super power. Realism is about means and motivation, a character has a realistic motivation and must obtain the means to achieve those ends. It has nothing to do with making his costume look like a piece of metal with etched abs, then shooting him with lighting fit for television. Cinema has a hard time grasping onto this concept, but Sam Raimi with Spider-man got it pretty well. It’s not enough just to put the superhero in front of a background and film it, they need to be shot in the right way, creating an ambience, melding with their environment. And as much as Spider-man benefited from that and the blurring backgrounds that are indicative of Spidey’s iconic imagery, Batman absolutely demands this type of treatment, because, again, his super power is that he LOOKS badass all the time. Batman needs to be crouching and flying down at something in every other shot we see him in, doing things that Batman does like crouch to prepare to fight/jump or fight/jump.

I guess the trouble is, that Batman’s superpower isn’t easy to put on film, because he needs to look badass at 24 frames per second, that’s a whole lot of badass. It’s impossible for somebody to look badass all the time, that’s why we’re calling it a superpower. So we end up getting this wishy washy Batman Begins look, trying hard to do something, but ultimately falling far short of potential.

Ok, so enough whining, now it’s time to come up with ways to make Batman work on screen.

COMING SOON: Batman: (Part 3) 9 Things that Batman movies need and are horribly lacking.