The Clueless Lover


Please read Love and Relationships (Part 6): Finding the Right Person to help clarify some of the terms. Remember from Part 6 that the Clueless Lover is: “the individual who thinks they are looking for the right person, but truly has no idea who or what they want in a relationship, and simply keep failing at each attempt. We’ll call this individual the Clueless Lover, and I don’t mean these people don’t know what they’re doing in bed, I mean they simply have no clue what it is they want in a relationship.”

The Clueless Lover, who doesn’t quite understand what they are searching for in a lover, leads to two extreme categories, the Relationship Pessimist and the Player, but usually I observe clueless lovers somewhere in between the two.

The Relationship Pessimist is an individual who, after many failed attempts at relationships and not magically finding that perfect relationship that they want but can’t quite describe, becomes depressed and stops looking for dates.

The Player is an individual who has been dating so long but without success that they become jaded to the dating world and don’t look for the qualities they unknowingly want in a mate and just date tons of people, often having emotionally unsatisfying, but physically-heavy relationships.

Early in my own relationship, when I didn’t quite understand the Player, I was often intrigued by them, curious of how they seemed to attract so many mates, until I found out that many of these Players would become Relationship Pessimists and completely stop dating all together. Many a time, I noticed that a Clueless Lover will go back and forth between the Relationship Pessimist and the Player in a seemingly unending cycle between depression and aimlessly doing something about it. I guess there’s not much point to the ability of attracting many mates if you don’t quite know what you’re searching for. And while the sex may be great, that won’t lead to anything emotionally or mentally satisfying in the long run.

It’d be more valuable to have the skill of attracting mates who would prove to be lasting and meaningful relationships. But the real trick to growth for the Clueless Lover, is simply to figure out what he or she wants in a mate, and not to stop at the topical details.

Advice for the Player and the Relationship Pessimist

Knowing that you want a hot, smart and funny mate isn’t really going to help you find your special someone. For the Player, because he or she can easily go out to the dating world and find a date, they must be more specific with their desires in their mate. But I don’t mean in the sense of describing all the physical features in your ideal mate, I mean figuring out what truly makes someone hot to you. And don’t list out a bunch of physical traits like blonde, big boobs, green eyes, tight ass, six packs, etc. What turns you on isn’t just physical, it’s also someone’s character in all their virtues and faults. And yes, someone’s faults can be very attractive to certain people.

And this kind of list will help the Relationship Pessimist, too, in that it will help better show them that their special someone has qualities that is definable and capable of finding. Haven’t you ever noticed that people in lasting relationships usually think all sorts of stuff about their mates, about how their mates are the funniest or the smartest or the nicest? Some which seem unattainable, but really, they believe it with all their hearts, and believe it or not, you can have that, too, if you know what you’re looking for.

I can’t tell you what you would truly find hot and attractive in your mate, this is something each person really has to figure out on their own, but to recognize that you need to do this is the first step in finding that special someone for the Clueless Lover. I recommend trying to write them out, and then refining your list until you can’t refine it anymore. Then with your list of qualities in your ideal mate, use it as a means of figuring out who to go on dates with and who not to. You may have to go on a few dates to determine if someone really matches your ideal mate, and these experiences may change your list, but that’s a good thing. As in anything else, your ideals should always be changing to better fit what you really want as you learn more and more about what you really want.

But the biggest idea here is to know when to say no to someone who you obviously have recognized as someone who doesn’t match your list. In fact, maybe this is why all those online dating sites are so successful with their clients. Their clients have to narrow down everything they want and don’t want in a mate, and then the sites find ways of matching their clients with like-minded people who match the given criteria. These sites also help match people, which isn’t really a problem for the Clueless Lover, so I say, do it the cheap way. Spend a few hours figuring out what you want in an ideal mate, and then use it to say yes or no to dates and then use your dating experiences to better refine your list. I’ll bet that sooner or later you’ll find your perfect someone, even if you don’t believe you can right this moment.

They’re really not that hard to find, people are all sorts of types and qualities, and someone out there has the right kind for you, it’s just a matter of figuring out what you truly want in your mate.


Love and Relationships (Part 1): An Introduction

Love and Relationships (Part 2): The Phases Leading to a Meaningful Relationship

Love and Relationships (Part 3): Communication

Love and Relationships (Part 4): Independence vs. Relationships

Love and Relationships (Part 5): The Couple’s Accountability System

Love and Relationships (Part 6): Finding the Right Person

Love and Relationships (Part 7): The Clueless Lover

Love and Relationships (Part 8): The Relationships Virgin

Love and Relationships (Part 9): Don’t Give Up!

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