The Couple’s Accountability System

Posted by admin on January 3rd, 2008 in Advice / How To, Love, Relationships

LOVE AND RELATIONSHIPS (PART 5): THE COUPLE’S ACCOUNTABILITY SYSTEM

How can relationships help us become more independent? Because our relationships with other people and how we deal with them says a lot more about ourselves than just observing how we deal and live with ourselves. And learning more about ourselves and our relationship with others is a key way in understanding how to be independent and even gaging how independent we are.

This was a lesson that took me years to really understand. At first I thought, yeah, I know how I deal with other people. I think before I talk to others, I try to not say stupid things and to have meaningful conversation with others. I always tried my best to do what I thought was helpful to others and I always aimed to be caring and thoughtful. But what I thought I understood in how I dealt with other people was a version of myself that I wanted to believe I was, not quite the reality of how I was really dealing with other people.

For you see, there’s a different kind of mentality that happens when all you deal with on a day to day basis is having to live with yourself and being accountable to only yourself versus dealing with someone else who is very close to you and having to live with him or her in your life and being accountable to not just yourself but your significant other, too.

After all, if you’re the only one who observes yourself and measures your successes and failures, wouldn’t that make your judging system a bit too subjective? If you didn’t like something about yourself, you could simply not look at that part of yourself, or even worse, subconsciously hide it from yourself, so you’re not even aware that you’re missing this vital flaw that you would want to fix.

When you have a significant other, you open your horizons and the observations made about yourself become more objective, because you have to account to someone who isn’t yourself. Suddenly, you have a partner in observing how you act and deal with others, and even how you deal with yourself. And suddenly, you have someone else that you can closely observe and give feedback for, too.

It was realizing this in my relationship that helped me make leaps and bounds in understanding who I truly was when dealing with others and myself. I realized I had a flawed perception of myself, and I wasn’t really showing others this independent person that I wanted to believe I was. And I couldn’t have realized this without my significant other pointing it out to me, so that I could work on them and better myself. Although it wasn’t always pleasant for me to hear these truths, I eventually saw them as wonderful pieces of truth which would lead to helping me be a better individual. And the feedback I was able to give in return was truly beneficial for my own growth as much as my love’s.

It’s like having an accountability system to keep you truthful to yourself, and I can’t imagine why someone wouldn’t want to have that in their life unless they were afraid of what they would find out about themselves. And yes, while it may be scary to find out unfavorable stuff about yourself, you still have that significant other to help you work out those kinks and make yourself more favorable to yourself and others. In the long run, it all becomes very worthwhile.

A WORD OF CAUTION REGARDING THE ACCOUNTABILITY SYSTEM

Now, I do want to caution that this significant other accountability system works best if your significant other and yourself are truly committed to making it work for yourselves. It most definitely will not work to its full potential if only one of you wants to commit to it.

I had a friend who had gone through many relationships and had come to the conclusion that she truly wanted a relationship in which she could grow and learn. On top of that, she was an immensely independent female seeking the same in her mate. At the time, she was going out with a mutual friend of ours, who said he wanted the same, but in almost every action he did, he showed that he really didn’t mean what he said. This really hurt her relationship with him and many a time, she would run to me, asking for advice in how to grow in her relationship with her boyfriend.

At the time, I wondered why she didn’t ask the same questions to her boyfriend, but in hindsight, I realize that if her boyfriend was open to it, she could have asked her boyfriend instead of me. And together they could have grown and learned so much from each other, if only they had both wanted that from the relationship. Needless to say, their relationship didn’t last past a few months, and their friendship is pretty much obsolete now.

It can be very harmful to be in a relationship where you seek an atmosphere for growth and learning but your mate doesn’t, but if you have the right attitude about your own progress, you can also learn an immense amount about yourself, as my friend did, for she took the knowledge she gained from her failed relationship and often applies it to her current relationships.

While you can gain so much with a partner who shares the same goals for the relationship, its understandable that finding such a mate can be difficult or may take some time to find. But while you’re searching, you might as well work as much on yourself as you can and try to more specifically shape your desires for yourself and your ideal mate. No need to waste the time you have before you’re able to find that special someone who shares similar goals as you do.

The more effort you put into working on yourself and figuring out what you want in a mate, the more you will find and/or attract mates who will be more to your liking. Doesn’t it make sense that someone who has his or her goals and desires defined has more of a chance of obtaining them? I’m not even sure how one who had no ideas what they want would achieve anything, except by sheer luck.

POSTS IN THIS SERIES:

Love and Relationships (Part 1): An Introduction

Love and Relationships (Part 2): The Phases Leading to a Meaningful Relationship

Love and Relationships (Part 3): Communication

Love and Relationships (Part 4): Independence vs. Relationships

Love and Relationships (Part 5): The Couple’s Accountability System

Love and Relationships (Part 6): Finding the Right Person

Love and Relationships (Part 7): The Clueless Lover

Love and Relationships (Part 8): The Relationships Virgin

Love and Relationships (Part 9): Don’t Give Up!

Don’t Give Up!

Finding the Right Person