Russian President Vladimir Putin will rule us all. 11 reasons we’re all pawns in his game of pure badassness.
Yesterday, President Putin announced that instead of disappearing into the night after his two terms as President are up, he will instead be running for the office of Prime Minister, the head of the legislative branch in Russia, arguably the second most powerful position in Russia (soon to become the most powerful?) (source). What does this mean? It means Putin has made Russia his bitch, soon to follow: the entire world.
(Photo NOT altered). Here, Putin enjoys in quiet contemplation how his tremendous power will allow him new and unexplored methods of obtaining more power. Showers will become power-showers, salads will become power-salads with power-dressing and power-croutons, and unrelenting blizzards of silenced popular discontent will become Tuesdays.
Ever since I cared enough to pay attention, Russian president Vladimir Putin has been a figure of cool cunning. His rise to power is amazing, from the KGB through the KSB (the KGB’s “replacement” organization after the fall of the Soviet Union), and ultimately to ruling positions as Prime Minister, then Acting President (when Boris Yeltsin steps down), then Head of the Commonwealth of Independent States (a loose organization that oversees the other former Soviet nations), all the way up to 2000 when he finally wins a Presidential election and rules up to today.
Here’s some other lesser known facts and rumors about Putin:
-Rumor: Putin is a hard line believer in Russian Nationalism, and still believes in the reality of a bilateral world power structure (ie. the Cold War scenario of Russia vs. USA). Arguably, because this would mean a stronger Russia. Putin’s major opponents in his rise to power were mainstays of the Communist regime. Like Hitler in the 1930s, Putin in the 1990s and up to today has had to thwart the efforts of the Communist Party by reestablishing a strong nationalist party.
-Fact: Putin has stated numerous times that the fall of the Soviet Union was a historic tragedy.
-Fact: As President, Putin has progressed the Russian nuclear program in three major steps. The first is passing security doctrines that changed Russia’s nuclear strike policies from “reactionary” to “preemptive,” meaning that Russia can now, and not since the Cold War, launch a nuclear attack at its enemies without being attacked first. The second step is developing and emplacing new Topol-M strategic nuclear missiles. The third is launching a new nuclear-armed Borei-class submarine that carries new ballistic missiles.
- Fact: In 2004, Putin radically changes the Russian political system which essentially removes all provincial/state rights. Instead of governors of Russia’s 89 regions being elected by popular vote, they are now appointed by the Russian President.
Go ahead, read that last one again.
-Fact: In 2005, Putin organizes a meeting of the Shanghai Cooperation Organization, a loose association of ex-Communist nations in Asia that includes Russia, China, 4 central Asian nations, as well as observation privileges for Indian, Pakistan, and Iran. For the first time, the SCO discusses intertwining military concerns for its members in a hope to actively counter US and western involvement in Asia. (Note that the members of the Warsaw Pact during the Cold War did NOT include China, Iran, India, or Pakistan).
-Fact: In 2005, Putin’s economic adviser resigns from his post, citing Putin’s continued progress in nationalizing important industrial sectors. After his rise to office, Putin notably nationalized and strengthened control of all of Russia’s major media outlets, including radio and television.
-Rumor: Putin has key political opponents killed or “disappeared.” The most bizarre of all these allegations was when a presidential candidate, opponent, and extremely vocal critic of Putin disappeared, then reemerged stating he had traveled to gain political support in Ukraine, been drugged and kidnapped and forced to appear in an embarrassing reputation-killing video. While his chances of winning the election were considered “slim” at the fore, it must be stressed that all media outlets in Russia are controlled by Putin, and it is they who control whose chances are considered slim or otherwise. In reality, as substantive polls were never conducted before the scandal, it cannot be stated how likely the candidates chances were in winning. The man, Ivan Rybkin was an experienced statesman, orator, and investigator into government affairs.
-Fact: Putin has formed a co-op society named Ozero (wikipedia link) near St. Petersburg that is controlled by, and includes land and property owned by some of Russia’s most powerful figures.
-Rumor: Putin, through his co-op society Ozero that can function outside of Russian law, brokers nearly all financial and political power in Russia. If the controlling interests of all the members of Ozero were pooled together, it would mean Ozero has overwhelming control of the Russian federal government in Moscow, overwhelming control of key security organizations in Russia including the KSB, sole control of the top oil/gas/power firms in Russia and other countries, and sole control of Russia Bank. Combined with Russia Bank in turn, it has overwhelming control over all major newspapers, television stations, securities and investment firms, chemical companies, and even a leading civil development and real estate firm. If the members of Ozero decided to move Russia in a specific direction, there is very little to nothing that anybody in Russia could do about it. Between 1993 and 1998, members of the Organizatsiya (the Russian mafia) killed 93 bankers, and innumerable other industry leaders. Whether the leaders of the mob are working against or in concert with Ozero remains uncertain.
-Rumor: Vladimir Putin strongly resembles the man in the Jan Van Eyck painting “The Arnolfini Marriage” painted in 1434.
Much speculation has gone into the importance of the resemblance between Putin and this man, the most banal of which is that Putin carries very interesting ethnic features, and the most extravagant conclusion being…
-Rumor(?): Vladimir Putin is the Anti-Christ. Yes, you read that right. Now on top of being a proven badass, it comes out that Putin may in fact be the Anti-Christ who will call upon the Beast and the Serpent to bring about the end of days. Christian or not, you have to join me in saying: “Son of a fucking bitch, fuck.” I’m not going to state whether I believe this is true or not, either Armageddon is in 2010 or it isn’t. But you have to admit, that if Putin showed up to the Anti-Christ auditions, Satan would probably at least ask him in for a callback.
Read a detailed, if not completely insane, analysis of how and why Vladimir Putin is the anti-christ here. Some interesting points are brought up, notably that whether he’s the anti-christ or not, Putin is one of the most cunning, brutal, and god damn amazingly formidable political figures in history. However, read the article, and somewhere before the end you’ll find you’re suddenly panicking at just how futile any sort of opposition to this guy is in Russia. Plus, he is a superman in public polls.
And on the US side, we’ve got these people:
Not exactly a fair fight.
Please, my dear, call me Vlad.
Anti-christ allegations aside, Putin is easily the most formidable figure in the world today. In democratic nations, power belongs to those who can move in, out, and across the system. Starting in the secret innards of Soviet KGB where he creates a core of trusted executors to secretly do his will for the next fifty years, moving up to legislature and security councils, propelling allied but weak people up with him so that he can take their place at a key moment, then concreting a power structure from the top-down, brokering massive industrial and political shifts through marginally-legal entities in concert with political avenues, then moving out of the executive branch into the legislative, now with the entire power structure under his control, and as prime minister being able to do ANYTHING he wants. His party, United Russia, will have over a two-thirds majority in the next election, allowing it to alter the Russian Constitution UNENCUMBERED. Let me repeat that, Putin and his party will have the power to change the Russian Federation’s constitution without any political, industrial, or media entity powerful enough to even question or report it.
This marks a paradigm shift in the Russian government, as it is essentially the culmination of thirty years of power brokering within Putin’s Ozero/KGB power-core created for one single moment in 2008 when they will rule all of Russia without obstacle, able to radically alter economic, military, civil, and foreign doctrines that inform the governance of the nation. But Russia will just be the beginning. It will allow, for example, the economic reappropriation of all the Soviet bloc (through the aforementioned SCO), as well as severe economic power in key nations in Asia and Europe and the world entire (Russia clearly has the power and will to monopolize portions of the oil industry and bleed the world in the next few centuries). The US will not argue against this because we ourselves use this same method of takeover, we’ll be goaded along with supposed friendly alliance and the idea of “inevitable globalization” but ultimately we’ll be giving up power around the globe in places we are currently unable to encroach effectively (India, China, Central Asia, Iran, etc.).
The US’s own impotence is horribly apparent by our inability to create basic change in Iraq and Afghanistan, areas in which Russia will be better equipped to step in and rule. The US is crippled by private corporate interest, a pathetic military command, and a stagnant democratic process that cannot pass laws to make things better despite having a majority in legislature. As American power in the world slowly slips, there is a point at which the American people will happily dismantle the government and try to give power to one benevolent individual. This is not a guess, this is inevitable, and when it occurs, guess who we will choose:
The future is inevitable and draped in black.