Efficient Awesomeness

Posted by admin on September 21st, 2007 in Internet

I’m not a stickler on grammar, or spellign mistakes, nor do I demand the proper usage of the more esoteric literary devices [sic]. You’ll never hear me correct anyone on the proper use of a word or literary device in person, in an email, or even in IM. But god damn, I am shocked and appalled when I face the overwhelming over-use and arbitrary use of the ellipsis dots “…” in emails, IMs, and comments. Let me focus in on the epidemic of the ellipsis in emails.

Have you ever received an email in which all punctuation was replaced by someone taking a shit on the proper use of an ellipsis?

Hey…. So I was wondering if I could expect that quarterly report…….. it’s almost 6…… -Bob……

Bob, shut the fuck up, ok? Your smug aloofness has somehow perfectly translated itself across the sea of electrons that you’re speaking through. When did you start using email, 2006? You write like an 11 year old girl playing online checkers in 1997. And it’s no thanks to your god damn use of the ellipsis.

What exactly is this ellipsis meant to portray in these emails? Are they taking long thoughtful pauses, is an epic struggle of syntax and word-choice happening in their brain? Are they actors, measuring out the beats of their lines? Are we supposed to picture someone thoughtfully pacing around dictating to us, stopping in revelation before saying their next thought? Are they pausing and waiting for the applause to end before they continue?

No matter what the implication of a string of 15 periods is meant to be, when I see it, and you write it, there’s only one way I interpret it: you’re an asshole. The worst offenders are those who construct questions that end in an ellipsis instead of a question mark:

Is that expense report coming along ok….. will you be able to get it in by Friday…….. let me know… -Bob…

Bob, shut the fuck up. Here the writer implies that the question is so obvious from the context of the sentence and the situation that including it would be overly redundant. The other implication is that the person writing the email is leaving a space in which you would answer the question, but you’re not, so they’re smugly continuing anyways. They judgingly shake their head while writing, miming shrugs and cupping their hand around their ear to better hear the answers they’re not getting.

If you want to use an ellipsis, use three dots in the middle of a sentence, and four at the end of a sentence. I receive emails now from smart “educated” people where it seems like they immediately press the period key whenever they’re not typing a word, leaving a string of 27 dots on the line before the next word. I don’t need a visual cue to every single moment and pause you took while writing. Writing is separate from speaking, I don’t need to know when you inhaled, and you’re not portraying any additional information by typing three dozen periods rather than one, except that you’re an asshole.

Did you get my last email… -Bob……….

Bob, shut the fuck up. What the fuck is that long string of periods after your name supposed to be? Are you waiting for my email? By including those extra periods are you hinting to me that you’re sitting there at your computer furiously clicking the button that checks for new emails? It’s smug bullshit, smugly implying that they’re waiting for a response and getting none. Bob, I’m sorry to disappoint you, I can’t respond to your emails because I’m too busy counting all the fucking dots.

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