Music has officially hit rock bottom. (And no, Britney is not back.)
If you just watched the ‘MTV VMA’ 2007 show (an acronym which confusingly stands for “music television video music awards”) you’re just as bewildered as I am that even among the so-called spectacle that MTV makes of their manufactured celebrities, even taking into account the cynical MTV-resentful eyes that most of us look at the world of music, this show was not only painful to watch, but also boring as shit. But beyond that, it became somewhat surprisingly apparent that the music of 2006-2007 god damn fucking sucked.
What the fuck happened to music? Out of all the music that played on this show, one or two were even coherently listenable. Sure, some were “catchy,” such as the “Umbrella” song that won both the first and last awards given. Let me explain something. “Catchy” is not fucking good enough to be winning awards. There was a time in music where people would hear a song, and run out to buy it, where actual excitement and interest was involved instead of music just being some new shit that you play in the background while friends were over. Good music used to exist. Hell, even the boy band bullshit of yesteryear was good compared to this recycled half-baked shit nowadays. Even Linkin Park, a band that epitomizes recycled impotent bullshit, seemed embarrassed to be associated with the artists performing and winning these awards.
I know what you’re thinking “MTV sucks, and always will, what’s new.” That’s the trouble, I’m not talking about MTV, I’m talking about this year’s music in general. MTV has been doing what it’s always done, picked out the most popular stuff and pumped it out hard and fast. The funny thing is, now even MTV seems like it’s lowering itself to promote these artists they’re churning out. I feel sorry for MTV, because they’re at the whim of the artists, and if the artist churn out shit, then MTV’s got to push it, no matter how much it pains them to do so. Here’s an example, MTV gave the headline performance to a singer who is best known for her shaven genitalia, and MTV’s alternative was to give that stage time to hack dipshit Kanye West.
Kanye West wishing he were a more respected artist (he was vocal about Britney Spears taking the coveted opening show spot) is the biggest bullshit I’ve ever heard. Not since fucking horrible early Puff Daddy has there been a single artist that has taken such a proverbial shit on past musical hits. Kanye’s “hit” this year consisted of him remixing the Daft Punk song “Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger” and in true modern-day hip-hop style, which consists of adding redundant ridiculous lyrics such as “stronger, yih, yih, whatevah don’t kill me, yih, yih” (you can watch his horrible video here). Kanye, you’re one out of about ten people who even show up on MTV nowadays, and you don’t deserve to be, just take what you can get and shut up. For somebody that’s supposed to be a “word-smith” with flow and rap and shit, such eloquently-designed phrases such as “George Bush just doesn’t like black people,” are more indicative of somebody who can barely wipe their own ass. Imagine Kanye West winning at a game of chess. You can’t, it’s fucking impossible, you just picture him sitting their with sunglasses rubbing his hands for hours in contemplation while his jaw hangs open in inadvertent stupidity.
Justin Timberlake. How the fuck did Justin Timberlake become the most successful god damn musical artist? Imagine transporting yourself five years into the past and telling everyone that the skinny white kid from that one boyband is going to become the biggest music celebrity in 2007. Everyone would laugh, they’d call you a faggot. Well nothing’s changed, so what the fuck happened? The only reason he’s at the top is because he makes his music, which is slightly above average, and shuts the fuck up. He knows he’s only mediocre, but lucky for him, that’s all that it takes nowadays. I’m absolutely positive that after schmoozing with stars, peers and groupies, Justin Timberlake walks into the bathroom alone and let’s out a big sigh of relief that nobody out there knows what the fuck they’re doing. He thanks fucking God that he’s been given the opportunity he has, at the time he has, where even his mediocre skills can put him at the top of the heap.
Foo Fighters. The Foo Fighters are not a bad band, but since when have the fucking Foo Fighters, a band that has always been synonymous with slightly moderate success, been the anchor performance of an awards show? They’ve been around for over a decade: this is not a major achievement in this day and age, but apparently it makes them music royalty in a year where everyone is god damn mediocre and disappears after two weeks.
Britney Spears (I refuse to call her by her overtly chic duo-syllabic “Britney” that people seem to be using now.) Oops, she couldn’t do it again. (Watch “Britney’s” performance at the 2007 VMA) This performance was meant to be a triumphant return into the stage’s spotlight. Even those of us who don’t care for Britney Spears were interested, somewhat, to see exactly how fucked up this lady actually got. There are exactly three words that describe Britney Spears’ performance.
Deer in headlights.
For the first time in recent memory, and possibly ever, we seem to have seen a once top-of-the-line professional performer suffering from stage fright. Notice how her arms seem to wobble uselessly at her sides, notice how her legs are always together and facing straight forward, and most disturbingly, notice how she never bends at the waist. Has she put on some weight, does she feel bad about it? It wouldn’t be so bad if she seemed to know what the fuck she was doing. She seems consistently offbeat, subconsciously mouthing pieces of the lyrics, being guided to and fro across the stage by much more graceful and poised dancers. Ten seconds in, you wonder why she isn’t dancing, why she just seems to be floating around. Then when it’s almost over, you realize that this was it, she’s apparently not dancing. She’s also apparently not singing, as she seems to forget to lip sync about 90% of the song.
It wasn’t disco, it wasn’t shock-rock, it wasn’t impotent alternative rock, it wasn’t gangsta crap, it wasn’t even ridiculous boy band reincarnations, it was the year when all of us with our busy lives passed by the music industry, peaked inside, and said “Is this it?” En masse, we all turned away from their offerings, busy checking our myspace profiles, milling around on facebook, researching for a new phone, checking the news to find out what new atrocity is occurring in the political world, going to some movies, reading celebrity gossip. Then we got a faceful of Ms. Spears’ failed comeback. It was disinterest. It was quiet, unheated, gradual, general disinterest that killed the beast. Music has hit rock bottom.
June 5th, 2010 at 10:48 am
Awesome read! Thank you for this.
August 15th, 2010 at 4:35 pm
I find Britney really fantastic!
September 16th, 2010 at 3:14 am
It is great that celebrities can use their website to stop all the lies printed about them. LIke on Britney’s website she has a BS alert.
September 28th, 2010 at 3:10 pm
Surely Britney cannot wear every one of these perfumes she releases. Another has just come out.