Batman:(Part 3) 9 Things that Batman movies need and are horribly lacking
In the previous article, I talked about how the previous Batman films fell below the mark in their ability to be awesome. So what can be done? We’re supposed to have someone be superhumanly badass looking, but that would require way too much work and money to pull off in a straightforward manner, if it’s even possible. So here’s what I’ve come up with:
1. High contrast dark lighting all the time. The “Batman Animated Series” got it right when it actually drew Batman to look badass all the time, and said “Fuck you” to lighting-appropriate looks. He looks contrasty badass all the time and the hell to logical lighting. His eyes glow, he’s got one rimlight on him, always. Batman’s look and lighting should be computer-assisted to look superhumanly badass whenever practical lighting isn’t possible for that end. I want silhouettes, moody rimlights, slashes of light betraying subtle details of the costume here and there, basically everything that makes Batman awesome.Light the shit to make it look awesome, how hard is it? Not at all. Two simple steps. 1. Imagine how it would be if it were awesome. 2. Light it to be the way you’re imagining it. You even get a bonus stage in post where you can tweak the lighting, there’s no damn excuse.
2. The costume needs to change, even unreasonably, if it’ll make it more badass looking. The cape breaks into parts and stays in one piece or is rigid or flowy whenever it needs to look more badass. It should appear to be one giant cloak most of the time, seamless with the mask/cowl and connected in front to create a look similar to the Emperor’s Royal Guards in Star Wars, but become like a giant wing flowing in the wind the next second, and a heavy leathery shield the next second. The mask should be shrouded in darkness nearly all the time, and somebody PLEASE realize that Batman has glowing eyes. I don’t care what you have to do to make him have bright eyes all the time, but just god damn do it! He’s got bright eyes, maybe he’s got goggles in the mask like Spider-man and they’re emitting or just reflecting light, or maybe the whites of his eyes need to be popped out in post, but his eyes HAVE TO BE the focal point on the face, not his gigantic jaw. Nobody’s interested in Christian Bale’s perfectly red cherry lips and creamy skin.
3. Follow Batman everywhere and watch him do everything that’s cool. If I’m wondering, “Huh, how did he do that?” it means I should KNOW how he did that. Batman movies kind of gloss over how Batman does his little tricks. For example, how the fuck does Batman disappear when people are talking to him? It’s not interesting that it’s mystery, I’m not going “Damn, it’s a mystery, how cool.” No, in fact, I discount it, because it’s just a stupid movie trick that isn’t necessary. However, if you actually saw it happen, and you go “Ohh, that’s how he does it, ” then you’d feel like you were involved in a movie instead of just sitting there watching one. As mentioned before, we should be up with Batman doing his “moving through the shadows” trick whenever he’s stalking a bunch of hoodlums in a warehouse. I don’t want to watch a Batman movie and go “Wow, Batman is so cool, I wish I were Batman.” I want to go to a Batman movie and go “I was just Batman for two hours, and now my mind has been expanded and I love my life.”
4. In Batman Begins, the goal of the hero is to “Keep Gotham from tearing itself apart.” Who gives a shit? I care about Batman, and what he’s going through and him looking and being badass. Nobody really gives a shit about Gotham as separate from Batman. The solution in cinema is often to focus more on the story, and the solution for Batman is the same, except in very specific ways. Batman needs to choose between saving things dear to him (thusly serving himself and his ego) and saving something greater than him. The idea that Batman will save everything isn’t accurate to his character, because he always bites off more than he can chew, that’s why he’s so pissed off all the time. The drama of Batman is that he’ll ultimately choose to save the things greater than him, sacrificing his own happiness and quietly biting his lip about how that’s fucked up. It’s dramatic because even though he wants to save his parents, he’s choosing not to save them over and over again, instead choosing to stop super villains of sorts and sacrifice his own wants and desires.
5. God damn it, use slow motion. Batman filmmakers get all shaky when it comes to making badass stylistic choices. Slow motion is a very compelling tool that a Batman filmmaker can use to create a badass look to Batman when it’s too expensive to light him correctly. Just have Batman walk towards the screen or jump off something in super slowmo, and it’ll look more awesome than one thousand Christian Bales hanging upside down.
6. Let Batman get beat to shit. For some reason, very few Batman movies want to commit to a “battle-worn” costume for Batman. One of the main problems with Batman Begins is Batman is too superhuman and Bruce Wayne is too much of a regular guy. So much for being realistic, Nolan failed horribly on this count. Batman doesn’t get one single scrape on him, despite theoretically battling every single Arkham Asylum fugitive and the very guy that trained him. This is what we call “Matrix Reloaded syndrome” where the hero has an impervious armor around them created by writers masturbating over how badass the hero they’ve created is. The final showdown on the elevated train is laughable, with cutaways to 47 side characters giving me redundant useless information while Batman has a fight with a guy who can’t really kill him and who he doesn’t really want to kill, so it ends up being a pseudo-wrestling match where one character basically has to get from point A to B to C.
7. Cut the fucking camp, damn. All the Batman movies have this campy undertone to them, you’d think the comic books have people cracking jokes and saying clever wry comments every other fucking bubble. Whenever a Batman comic I’ve read has overt humor, it’s only to juxtapose with the intense drama that’s happening. Having a cop do the “I’m clueless cop until the hero unexpectedly zooms by my car” worked great when they did it in The Fifth Element, but how many fucking times can people be “humorously amused” by the Batmobile? According to Christopher Nolan, it’s never enough, maybe because he’s relishing the only element of the film that closely resembles the uber-canon “Dark Knight Returns.” Good for him, too bad he ruins it by shoving it in our faces whenever the car shows up by having all the actors basically drop their monocles in their martini glasses.
8. Make a Batman fight sequence where I can tell what’s happening, please. I’m not talking about the fight on the ice lake, that doesn’t count ’cause there’s no Batman. I’m talking about a straight shot, no frills scene with Batman fighting somebody who he wants to open a can of whoopass on, and who can match him. The closest thing to this is Batman beating the shit out of the Joker and his goons at the top of the cathedral in the Tim Burton Batman. Most of the action sequences in Batman Begins involve the camera sitting there in a medium shot while a bunch of blurry shit happens. What the fuck happened to fight sequences? I thought The Matrix educated the entire world on how to go about this shit, but apparently not. I’ve heard that the fight sequences might have been influenced by Bladerunner, which is unfortunate, because the fight sequences in Bladerunner should only be your target if you’ve somehow gotten hold of the Delorian Time Machine and are making a movie in 1985.
What I’m talking about is a fight sequence that doesn’t make you think, “Ooh, Batman is cool/mysterious, I can’t wait until the next plot point,” but that makes you think, “Shit, Batman can kick some fucking ass and make it look badass, with or without the element of surprise.” Instead, in Batman Begins we get some horror-inspired scenes, which would be better if the goons didn’t vocalize their inner turmoil so much, then some blurry medium shots of Batman fighting badass Shadow League guys before flying ridiculously beneath a speeding train on a cable that inexplicably passes through cement pillars.
9. Allow Batman to be flexible, not a walking Gargoyle. The main reason Batman can’t be as badass as he should be in the movies is because they’ve got him suited up in a fucking ridiculous armor thing. People say “What did you expect, yellow spandex? OMFGROFL.” No, I expected Batman to be able to fucking FIGHT and move instead of putting his arms up to block where the stunt people are punching and kicking, and then miraculously placing one inexplicably powerful punch to the goon’s face. Some people say “Yeah, but tights and lighter material can’t stop bullets.” Yeah, neither can armor on your bicep, sorry. The idea that Batman has to have bullet proof armor on every point of his body is stupid. Batman has armor on his chest, which explains the thick bat symbol and the thick pectoral-padding on it, and I’m sure his helmet has lightweight whatever on it, but that’s about it. The point is, it’s absolutely unnecessary for Batman to be unnecessarily armored to the point where it’s changing his entire character dynamic. That’s not a tradeoff, that’s having Greedo shoot first.
Here’s where a bunch of people would also put some stuff about how some villain needs to be in the Batman movies, or how they need to bring in Robin, or bring in this guy or use that gadget. Fuck that shit. The only real complaint anyone can reasonably have is that Mr. Freeze needs to be redeemed, because his portrayal in the previous Batman movie was so god-awful, it’s like they took a dump on the entire series and made everyone hate everything about Batman. He doesn’t even ride a frozen fire hydrant to the top of a building!! What’s the fucking point of having Mr. Freeze if he can’t ride gigantic streams of water while freezing them?
Batman is awesome, Batman looks badass all the time. Movies about him should reflect that and stop being wishy washy bullshit.
August 28th, 2007 at 12:36 pm
It was a great article, very well written. You made some valid points I am sure. I just don’t know Batman all that well and I always try to toss a little personal touch attached to the Submissions. I apologize if I misrepresented your article in any way. Keep up the great work man, keep in touch. Please feel free to submit material anytime.
I do love the Mr. Freeze pic there. I agree on that one. That movie was total shyte.
September 10th, 2009 at 7:41 am
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Cheers! Sandra. R.