THE HANGRY MONSTER

So you’ve had a hard day, and you’re heading home for some chillax time, a bite to eat, and maybe a nap. You’re milling about the house, winding up the chillaxation, and are about to prepare a snack when you look at the time. Why it’s much too soon to the next meal to have a snack now, you’ll just wait until then and save some much needed chillax time by doing all your food-getting at once later. So you settle down for a little nap, just twenty minutes, a responsible nap, the kind of naps that kings must take in between important acts of state delegation, the oft-termed “power nap.” You’re powerful and you’re napping, what could go wrong? Nothing, that’s what. You doze off.

But when you awaken, it’s a different story. You’re all hot and sweaty for some reason, your mind is a cloud of confusion. But there’s more than that, there’s an ache right in the pit of your gut, what the hell is that? It’s hunger, it’s your body eating itself alive because you’re the genius who decided to nap for way too damn long without food or water. When you stand up, it feels like you’ve got a bowling pin shoved down your throat, and certain parts of your brain are refusing to respond. That’s because your hypothalamus has commandeered the mother ship, half an hour ago it was tapping politely on your shoulder saying, “We gonna eat?” But it’s gone past that now, now it’s a constant air-horn of agitation screaming, “RHAAAAAAHHHH.” The Hangry Monster has struck.

Hangry is what happens when I haven’t eaten for such a long time and let my blood sugar drop so far that I’m not just hungry, and not just angry, I’m HANGRY. Hangry at myself for not having fed myself, hangry at others for not feeding me, hangry at the whole world for inventing food, and more specifically, the lack of it. It’s an entire man vs. self, man vs. man, man vs. world dilemma. It’s when you‘ve become so hungry and so angry, it necessitates a new word to describe it: hangry.

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You’d think that when the hangry monster comes out, you’d get up from whatever you’re doing and put food in your mouth. But you can’t! That would be way too easy, hanger is a dark cloud over the world, and like the virus in 28 Days Later, strikes at the very heart of the human brain stem, turning you into a mindless zombie. Your eyes are bloodshot, your hair’s a mess, your shirt’s so last winter.

Now that everything is fucked up, you try to start picking up the pieces and getting yourself fed. But first, you’ve got to have an argument with someone, god damn it. Some unsuspecting victim with delicious brains to… have a stern conversation with. They don’t know what hits them, you’re like DeNiro in Raging Bull, but less talented, and more unintellige-abled. They throw you a banana to eat, you beat them with it and fling your poo at passing motorists.

Eventually, you spot a single radish, in it goes. A brown piece of lettuce, down it goes. A box full of donuts, an empty box. A glass half full of water, a glass half empty. A matza ball, you consider becoming Jewish, but instead swallow.

But the Hangry Monster is like that spam email mailing list you got on because you signed up for that one site, you know the one, we all know it because there’s 79 trillion of that website everywhere. You wanted a quick peek, who would know? You try to put the whole domain on your spam list. But it gets through, months go by, you think you’ve beaten it, but it gets through.

So remember, eat and drink, have nutritious snacks often, and you too can keep the Hanger at bay.

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COMING SOON: The Hangry Monster Part II

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5 Responses to “THE HANGRY MONSTER”

  1. HHL Says:

    The Hangry Monster Part II – Revenge of Tuberculosis Jack (A Tale in Nine Parts)

  2. Your health and your success Says:

    [...] Money to Us Help us keep the HANGRY MONSTER [...]

  3. Independence vs. Relationships Says:

    [...] Money to Us Help us keep the HANGRY MONSTER [...]

  4. Camila Says:

    First off I love this.
    Secondly, MilaMonster never gets this way, unfortunately. I never feel hunger in my stomach, only in my energy and attitude. When I get pissed I know I’m hungry. Which is “hangry” but I can’t feel it. Weird, huh?
    Thirdly, your post has 666 words. Efficiently Awesome.

  5. choice Says:

    By any chance, do you mind sharing with me which blog software that you use? I’m planning to start a website lately, but I’m having a hard time deciding which platformto use. I ask because your site looks cool. Sorry for being so off-topic but I just had to ask!

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